I'm gonna share this article I got from my reading.
How men from Mars and women from Venus CAN make the most of their differences
First published in 1992 - the relationship book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus was an instant international bestseller. Based on the idea that men and women live on completely different 'planets' when it comes to relationships, it has been translated into more than 40 languages.
Now author John Gray has published a long-awaited sequel. Called Why Mars And Venus Collide, it is designed to help improve relationships by understanding how men and women cope differently with today's stressful lifestyle.
So, if you're too tired for sex, feel the woman in your life does nothing but nag, feel you're 'doing it all' with little help from your partner, or are frustrated because your husband doesn't listen - read on.
LIFE... AND OTHER STRESSES
In the past 50 years, life has become so much more complicated. And in spite of the new technologies designed to connect us, much of our communication has been reduced to the equivalent of text messaging.
We are stretched to the limit, with little energy for our personal lives. Despite increased independence and opportunities for success at work, we are often left with a sense of isolation and exhaustion at home.
Many people believe they are just too busy or too exhausted to resolve their relationship issues, and often think their partners are either too demanding or just too different to understand.
While some couples experience increasing tension, others have just given up, sweeping their emotional needs under the carpet. They may get along, but the passion is gone.
Our greatest challenge is to acknowledge that men and women cope with stress differently, and that the kinds of support we require to relieve that stress differ radically.
What helps men release relationship-damaging stress can be the opposite of what helps women feel better. For example, while he needs to switch off and withdraw into his "cave" to forget the problems of his day, she wants to interact and discuss things at length.
But by remembering that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, we can overcome this tendency to collide, and instead come together in mutually supportive ways.
Our relationships can be a safe haven in which we can expect support, comfort, and ease.
IT'S ALL IN THE HORMONES
The delicate hormonal chemical reactions within the body and brain can quickly become amplified under stress - playing havoc with the way we behave in our most intimate relationships.
Being aware of our innate biochemical differences, however, frees us from the unhealthy compulsion to blame our partners, and can eventually lead us to celebrate our differences.
Here's how it works: At the start of a relationship, a man will get excited and motivated by the challenge of winning a woman's affection. The challenge automatically stimulates the production of testosterone, the "male" hormone that contributes to a man's sense of power and well-being.
As relationship routine sets in, and the challenge in the relationship decreases, however, his testosterone levels naturally decrease. When this happens, the honeymoon is over, and a man starts to look elsewhere to stimulate higher levels of testosterone to make himself feel good.
His workplace will almost always provide new challenges to capture his interest and raise his testosterone levels. Similarly, when a woman gets to know her partner and feels safe with him, there is an increase in the production of oxytocin, known as the "cuddle" hormone. A woman experiences more energy, happiness, flexibility and attraction for her partner when her oxytocin levels rise.
Over time, as reality sets in and her expectations are not always satisfied, she no longer assumes that all her needs will be met. The resulting decrease in hope, trust, and optimism will affect her oxytocin levels.
His detachment and her increased attention to their lack of connection will inevitably build tension in the relationship. If men can learn how to boost their testosterone levels and women their oxytocin through their behaviour, and understand each other's need to do so - their relationship will vastly improve.
HOW TO BRING OUT HIS INNER ROMEO
Normal levels of testosterone are linked to feelings of success in men (depressed men have low levels of testosterone). Therefore, to feel good in a relationship, a man needs to feel successful at fulfilling the needs of his partner.
Her responses of trust and appreciation not only nourish his soul, but also counteract the effect of stress by stimulating a healthy level of testosterone.
Failure, or the anticipation of failure, in making his partner happy has the opposite effect - creating stress for a man and lowering his testosterone levels. Confidence increases testosterone, and doing things that stimulate testosterone will increase a man's confidence. It goes both ways.
Appreciating and accepting what he does, or forgiving him for what he neglects to do, is the most supportive way a woman can treat a man - and one of the easiest ways to get the best out of him.
MAKE SURE SHE'S A WOMAN IN LOVE
Where women are concerned, oxytocin - known as a social attachment hormone - is vital for a healthy, happy relationship. Though men and women have, on average, similar levels of oxytocin in their bloodstreams, women have more oestrogen, which boosts its effectiveness. Researchers have discovered that oxytocin lowers stress in women, but does not have the same effect in men.
It is produced in great quantity during childbirth and lactation, and during orgasm in both sexes. In women, oxytocin levels can rise during a massage and fall in response to feeling ignored or abandoned.
The hormone affects social recognition and bonding as well as the formation of trust between people. Oxytocin stimulates maternal behaviour in women as well as sexual arousal.
It reduces blood pressure, stress symptoms and fear. Studies have shown that animals and people with high levels of oxytocin are calmer, less anxious and more social.
Levels increase when women connect with someone through friendship, sharing, caring and nurturing, and decrease when a woman misses someone or experiences a loss or break-up, or feels alone, ignored, rejected, unsupported and insignificant.
A woman in love has high levels of oxytocin. She is consumed by thoughts of giving freely of herself and sharing more time with her partner.
To feel good in a relationship, a woman needs to trust that her partner cares for her as much as she cares for him. This kind of support directly affects her oxytocin levels, which in turn will lower her stress.
TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR OWN HAPPINESS
When a woman's oxytocin levels are low, it is only natural for her to seek out the support she needs at home to relieve the stress it creates.
The problem with this is that these days women often expect their partners to provide all of that support. This is a relatively new phenomena - brought about by our insular lifestyles and the increased amount of everyday stress we face.
For thousands of years, women did not rely on men to generate most of the oxytocin support they needed. They counted on the help of women in their community for their feelgood factor, while their husbands went hunting, or later earned a living.
Historically, men have only ever provided a small percent of the feelgood support that women need. The man's chief role has, until recently, been that of provider and protector. Although men still hold that role, it is not as significant because women can provide for and protect themselves.
Unfortunately, despite this change in relationships, a man can still fulfil only the same small portion of the support women need to cope with the stresses they face.
Imagine a woman's need for oxytocin to be a well that needs to be filled - no matter how hard he tries, a man will only ever be able to fill about 10 per cent of that feelgood 'oxytocin well'. Filling the rest of the well has to be her responsibility.
When a woman's oxytocin well is already almost full - she's feeling happy and pretty good about herself - a man is naturally highly motivated to bring her to the top and make her feel great.
On the other hand, if her well is almost empty - she's feeling tired, stressed and bad about herself - and he provides his 10 per cent, her oxytocin levels will still be quite low and it will feel to both that he has not made much of a difference.
By taking 90 per cent of the responsibility for their own happiness and expecting only 10 per cent from men, women can set up themselves and their partners for much greater success in the relationship. Remembering this 90/10 metaphor can help you create much more realistic expectations for yourself and your partner.
DIY FEELGOOD BOOSTERS FOR HER
Your oxytocin will increase if you adjust your lifestyle so you have more time to do things that are rewarding, fulfilling, comforting and involve connecting with others beside your partner. Here are some random suggestions:
1. Get your hair or nails done.
2. Arrange some help with household chores.
3. Plan a night out with your girlfriends.
4. Have a clear out and donate old clothes, books etc to charity.
5. Buy a glossy magazine and treat yourself to an hour in a café.
6. Learn to play golf, tennis or ride with friends.
7. Go to an exercise class or go for a long, brisk walk.
8. Talk to a friend you've been meaning to catch up with on the phone.
9. Buy fresh-cut flowers for your home.
10. Go to a farmers' market.
11. Take time to browse in a bookstore with no agenda.
12. Participate in a Parent Teacher Association meeting.
13. Visit an art gallery.
14. Attend a lecture or talk on a subject you're interested in.
15. Prepare and freeze some meals for when you don't feel like cooking.
LET HIM HAVE 'CAVE TIME'
When it comes to dealing with stress - women like to talk - while men need space to be alone, what I like to call 'cave time'. There is good reason for this.
In all men, the testosterone levels that keep him feeling happy fall steadily during the course of the day, so when the stress of his working day is over, his body must relax to restore itself.
A man can elevate his 'feel good' testosterone level by taking a nap or doing simple, entertaining activities such as watching TV or reading a newspaper Just as women need more time to talk and share, a man needs more time to recover from his stresses by having plenty of space to do things on his own, or at least to be in control of what he does.
Often, women think their partners are lazy, when in fact they have a biological imperative to rest. It is hard for a woman to imagine her partner's need, because a man's need to rebuild testosterone levels is so much greater than hers.
And most women are looking to lessen stress by connecting with their partners, not pulling away. Yet women can also use some alone time to take a breath and finally be free from the daily pressures.
While taking a break - and allowing her partner some cave time - a woman should do something that helps to boost her 'feel good' oxytocin levels and enables her to relax.
Just as testosterone stimulates stress reduction in men, the hormone oxytocin stimulates stress reduction in women.
